NEWSBRIEFS NEANDERTHAL NEWS by Norm Deplume The bony remains of ten Neanderthal yahoos have established that they
were not only offensive, boring consumers, but actually were highly
skilled hunters and purveyors of whoo hoo, an international team of
scientists reported yesterday.
The fully intact skull of "Chad", complete with a baseball cap bearing
an early 21st century "dot com" company logo, revealed a heavy brow and
prominent jawbones used for grinding and tearing prey, and it also
revealed a cranial capacity heretofore unknown for these simple yet
chaotic creatures. An analysis of
the skeletal chasm revealed that these pre humans must have had some
capacity for rational and creative thought. They were however incapable of
escaping from the media and corporate snare which infected their society
and is thought to have been their eventual demise.
The Yahoo people may have reached
Black Rock City in 1995 or 1996 but by 2000 their hordes had increased and
they threatened to overwhelm the Homo sapiens who thrived there. For many
years, the anthropologists who studied the Yahoo have argued over the
demise of this subspecies. Some conjectured that "Brittany Spears in
Hawaii" had lured them to more comfortable climes, others believed that
cell phones had turned their inner ear to cancerous mush. Interbreeding
and cultural assimilation was also believed to be the cause of their
disappearance.
New data, derived from the skeletal musculature and archival celluloid
record found on "Chad", and a rare crudely hand written journal revealed
that the Yahoo disappeared from Black Rock City because "There's no bands
there and the chicks don't show tits like they used to".
This discovery has sent the anthropological world into disarray as the
prevailing consensus is that plenty of girls bared their breasts. © 2000 by the Palentologcial
Archaeological Scatalogical Institute of America
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