NEWSBRIEFS
Volume 49
Number 5 September/August 2000

NEANDERTHAL NEWS
Fleshing Out Yahoos
Study of Bones, tools and other implements of culture shows why Yahoos died out.

by Norm Deplume
Paleontology and Archaeology Editor

The bony remains of ten Neanderthal yahoos have established that they were not only offensive, boring consumers, but actually were highly skilled hunters and purveyors of whoo hoo, an international team of scientists reported yesterday.

The fully intact skull of "Chad", complete with a baseball cap bearing an early 21st century "dot com" company logo, revealed a heavy brow and prominent jawbones used for grinding and tearing prey, and it also revealed a cranial capacity heretofore unknown for these simple yet chaotic creatures. An analysis of the skeletal chasm revealed that these pre humans must have had some capacity for rational and creative thought. They were however incapable of escaping from the media and corporate snare which infected their society and is thought to have been their eventual demise.

The Yahoo people may have reached Black Rock City in 1995 or 1996 but by 2000 their hordes had increased and they threatened to overwhelm the Homo sapiens who thrived there. For many years, the anthropologists who studied the Yahoo have argued over the demise of this subspecies. Some conjectured that "Brittany Spears in Hawaii" had lured them to more comfortable climes, others believed that cell phones had turned their inner ear to cancerous mush. Interbreeding and cultural assimilation was also believed to be the cause of their disappearance.

New data, derived from the skeletal musculature and archival celluloid record found on "Chad", and a rare crudely hand written journal revealed that the Yahoo disappeared from Black Rock City because "There's no bands there and the chicks don't show tits like they used to".

This discovery has sent the anthropological world into disarray as the prevailing consensus is that plenty of girls bared their breasts.

2000 by the Palentologcial Archaeological Scatalogical Institute of America

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