Wake up! You just stepped through the looking glass and nothing is like it was before. You're in Black Rock City now. I know what you're thinking. "This guys a fucking cat". Yeah, well so what! Why do you think I have a smile like a half moon? It's because I know the lay of the land. I know how to get laid and I know how to keep my ass in one piece. So listen close cause this cat's about to tell you how to get a little pussy.

First thing, I hope you brought enough water. That's 2 gallons per person per day. And no, beer does not count towards those 2 gallons. That's extra credit. So what if you don't drink all that water, you might be thinking? Well, you get dehydrated. You pass out. You look like a dumbass and end up spending half the day in the hospital with an IV needle in your arm. Oh, and by the way, the girls there in the hospital are definitely NOT in the mood. Tweedledee and Tweedledum did this. They never got laid.

The first thing you're going to notice here is that a lot of the chicks are barely clothed or down right naked. Back home I know what you'd do. You'd hoot and howl. You probably think that anyone walking around like that wants to get fucked. Well you aren't in Kansas anymore, so zip it up. It's not that the chicks here don't want to get laid, they do, it's just that here in Black Rock, people value RESPECT FOR OTHERS over just about anything. This means that if you want to get laid, then you are going to have to use some self-control. That means shouting, "show us your tits" is out, as is staring and taking pictures without asking first.

I know it's tough. You're more than a man. You're a wild animal here to party. But if you want to have a really kick-ass time, then these are some of the small concessions you will have to make. While we are talking about being a man, people here don't show their manliness the same way you are probably used to back home. See all those guys wearing dresses, skirts and lingerie? Don't make any assumptions. Many of them are guys just like you that have discovered that, out here girls dig guys in women's clothes. I guess it's something about being secure in your masculinity. Beats me. All I know is it works! What doesn't work is calling other guys "FAG", starting fights and fucking with other peoples' shit. All that will do is make sure the only date you get, is with mister hand.

And finally, if you want a great way to start a conversation with Black Rock chics, go around picking up stray garbage around the city. When you see a cute one watching you, look her in the eyes (NOT THE TITS) and say, "Why can't these Yahoo's learn to respect the Playa?" BANG! You're in. Now all you have to do is put your actions where your mouth is and show respect for her, the other people and the city, and you might just not have to spend another night at Bianca's, jerking off in the corner while the Mad Hatter and March Hair get lucky again.

And with that the Cheshire cat vanished as quickly as he appeared…

* Excerpted from "Alan in wonderland" ©2000 BMY-EDS Press