----Black Rock City has BOTOX Parties!
I know, can you believe it? Me either. My frown lines and crows feet absolutely make me want to PUKE! I've heard naysayers and "doctors" saying that injecting botulism into your face is dangerous, but all I can say is, anything that makes me LOOK SO GOOD has got to be ok. A pralyzed face later in live would be the drag of all drags, but by then they'll have another MIRACLE CURE!

With the drugs and debauchery at Burning Man that I've sometimes seen through the window of my RV, it's nice to have an alternative for people who care about their bodies and want to stay looking GOOD! I'm all about a healthy and clean lifestyle. Working out ROCKS! I'm so there on the Stairmaster.

Anyway, my sources tell me you can check them out North of Center Camp. Bring something to "Barter" wink, wink. Giggle Giggle. For usre! With the sun out here on the playa, your last botox treatment will probably fade quickly. I'm SO there so let's party girls!

----Costumes that are COOL this year!

Let's face it, we're hot chicks. I mean really. We care about our bodies and we care about how we look. So you're at Burning Man, you should show off what you got sister and put on some funky costumes and boogie down!

I brought my FAIRY WINGS this year. They're in style, especially when worn with a tiny G-string and a nice pullover graffitti shirt or a retro-preppy button up. And don't forget the body glitter, you'll look absolutely out of this world in the crazy lights, just make sure you've got lots of lotion to clean and moisturize later. Show off what you got girls! Remember, at Burning Man only the gay guys get harrassed by the Sheriff's Department. They love US and its so much fun watching them get all hot and bothered.

Retro is totally cool this year. I bet we'll see some of the Hollywood Cindy Lauper 80's looks or Pat Benetar wide belts complete with rhinestones strutting around. And don't forget the slim pants and belly shirts girls. Less is more.

Also, thanks to our boys in that country where they're fighting the evil-doers, Military Chic is IN! Think short camo shorts with a beret. If you're a die hard trend setter, I read that camo-chic is the way to go. I recommend a camel Burberry camouflage. Also, if you had a dad or grandpa who was in one of those World Wars, try to find a medal from their remains and wear it with pride BABY. You can be stylish AND patriotic! We're at war and war is hell, but that shouldn't keep you from looking swell. Support our boys girls! I'm SO there!

----Make the SCENE!

Burning Man is all about being seen. If you look good, and I know you do, then don't be afraid to promenade. With all the pretty art around, every few feet is a photo opportunity. Just think how jealous your (yawn) BORING girlfriends will be when you meet at the mall and show them photos of you atop a huge penis that someone just put out there on the playa. While they were spending their late summer vacation vacationing in the Alps again, you were being daring and alternative. Maybe you'll even get your picture on one of the many Burning Man websites. Wouldn't THAT be cool!

-----Finding Your Special Burning Man hottie

OK, I'm gonna be honest with you. There are guys at Burning Man who are scary and gross. You'll know them when you see them. Maintain your charm always girls. Remember where you are (in the desert with a bunch of crazy, post apocalyptic people) Did I SAY THAT? Giggle Giggle Giggle!

Anyway, my advice is to stay away from the moody "artist" types. They're usually kind of grubby and poor unless you can find a HUNK who's a sculptor or something. The guys who work on the robots or play with fire OR BOTH, are really weird, so avoid them unless you're drunk and you're looking for a weird gasoline smelling quickie. Your's truly gopt really drunk and "hung" out with a guy from the DEATH GUILD. SUE me!! I've got stories to tell MY grandchildren! I AM ALTERNATIVE.

If you're looking for a STUD MONSTER, you'll see them. They'll be walking around with their tanned, hairless chests, drinking beer with baseball hats on backwards and they'll let you know who they are. When you hear their great "WHOO HOO!", they'll be coming. Find one who lives near you in the "STRAIGHT" life so you can hook up after the Festival. There's nothing crazier than dancing all night at the Raves then hooking up with some cutie. Don't be afraid girls. Just do the usual and make sure:

• They don't slip anything into your drink
• You get their real name and location where they're staying
• That you're somewhere where people can hear you scream if he's too "rowdy"
• And be sure to bring condoms and practice SAFE SEX if you take the plunge.